Posted by: Tracy | 2008 September 18

Brett The Love of My Life

After Brett unpacked one of our boxes of books he brought home last night he pulled something that brought back a whole bunch of bad memories.  Of Course, I decided to go through it and started feeling really guilty and depressed about it.  I am still bothered by it, well it was a journal he used to write in and he would write how he was feeling in it or what kind of mood he was in, you know a journal.  I know it was a private thing back then but he would never tell me how he was feeling and so I always read his entries so I can know where he was at in life.  He always knew when I looked because I would tell him.

Till today only one reason I think we are still married is by the GRACE OF GOD.  Our first year of marriage wasn’t a very happy time for us more like hell.  We may joke about it now but at the same time it still hurts inside.  It’s something I don’t know if I will ever get over.  I know Brett did some stuff in that year but if I didn’t treat him so horribly maybe he wouldn’t have done those things.   I was controlling about everything.  I got mad at him for reading his favorite books because I wasn’t interested in it. I didn’t want him to watch anything he wanted to watch. I didn’t like him getting together with his friends because I really didn’t have any friends at the time.  I was really jealous back then, I still have some tendency to be jealous because I still don’t have much friends.  I didn’t do anything around the house. The dishes never got done by me.  I really never cooked and when I did it would be really late because I was playing a game on the computer or watching TV.  Also if I didn’t feel like eating at the time than I wouldn’t cook it either or I didn’t know what to eat, dinner would just wait.  The laundry was always laying in living room floor, they were clean but I just didn’t want to fold them or put them away.  A lot of the times I would leave the stuff in the dryer and washer for days because I was just too lazy to do it and wait for Brett to do it.  The only time I cleaned was when I was tired of the mess which meant most likely somebody was coming over to visit.  I yelled at Brett for the stupidest stuff like not putting up his shoes when I didn’t put my shoes up.  If Brett drank one bottle of beer it would tick me off. I know there is more stuff I did to him but you get the jest of it.  I was a horrible wife or more like a witch with a “B” back then and I feel really horrible about it.  No wander why he always was so angry in the journal.  Even though I was reading the journal and I would cry my heart out about it, it never changed me.  I think it should have because I love him and I shouldn’t be hurting the person I love.  But I did and there is no changing the past.

Well one day, one of our friends ask me if I wanted to do a study with her.  So, I said sure.  It consisted of 3 other ladies and they were all Christians wanting to improve as godly wives.  The book we went through was called “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace.  That changed me so much.  I realized I was sinning in my marriage because I wasn’t being the wife Brett wanted me to be.  I started to be a better wife to Brett.  I cleaned more often, tried to cook sooner, did the laundry and made sure it was folded at least.  I started to communicate to Brett I was feeling about the friend situation and I be understanding to him about his friends.  I am still working on that.  I had to let go that he has different interest then me and that he needs to enjoy those interest.  I had to try to take part in some of those interest with him.  I played the Star Trek game he has and I beat him, boy, did that make him mad.  I was happy.  I listen to him when he tells me about the Sci Fi book he is reading even though I am not too interested in it.  I have opened up to the things he enjoys and have tried to enjoy it with him.  I am still working on that too.  I know I have gotten better since than but I still feel horrible that I treated him so poorly.

So Brett, I know you will be reading this and I am truly sorry that I treated you so poorly and disrespected you.  I know you have forgiven me but I haven’t forgiven myself.  I love you with all my heart.   I will always cherish you.   I pray to God that I will never turn into that person again and if I do please come and tell me in a loving way that I am sinning against God and you.  I am glad God put you in my life.


Responses

  1. Sweetheart, I love you with all my heart. I’m glad I was able to put up with you when you were at your worst, because I have had the great pleasure of seeing the woman you have become, and seen the growth God has done in you over the years.
    I am glad to be married to you. You complete me.

  2. As an unbiased (as much as a non-family acquaintance who cares about you guys can be) outside observer, I, too, attest to the wonderful wife, mother and friend that you’ve become, Tracy. Jen and I have had the pleasure of knowing you both for five years (can you freakin’ believe it?!), and you have both grown significantly in godliness, grace and love over that time. You play well to each others’ strengths while lifting each other up in your weaknesses. It has been a privilege and a pleasure to have observed this, and to call you friends.

  3. 5 years, no way! Time flies by too fast. You guys have been really good to us, I enjoy your company. Thank you for what you said about us. We have learned from our mistakes and made sure we grew from it. As well as keep our communication open, at least we try to. There are times we both don’t communicate to each other. I am looking forward getting together with you and Jen in a few weeks. I want to start getting together with both of you more often. May God bless your marriage as well.

  4. Thanks. And likewise to you guys as well. You’re the kind of friends who WANT to be there when times are tough. That is but a small example of the evidence that Christ is being formed in you both.

  5. Tracy,
    No matter who you are or what you’ve done, it takes a BIG person to admit what and when they’ve done wrong. Good for you to see and change the things you feel you can improve on.

    Honestly, if I married someone like Bretty I’d have stabbed him nightly and occasionally each morning for good measure. Of course, he was lucky! I was cut in two with a bread knife while my father sang ‘Glory Hallelujah’.

    Billiam

  6. Luxury! We used to have to work 20 hours a day at the mill, and pay mill owner permission to come to work, and when we got home our dad would kill us and dance on our grave!

  7. Hey Billiam,

    Thank you for the kind words and the funny ones too. You both are two of a kind.


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